Aisle 8

Aisle 8: Candy Aisle

Sitting on my bed listening to Magnetic Fields' 69 Love Songs part 1. I'm in this, not a funk, but something like it. I'm not unhappy, or upset. I'm not frustrated, I'm lonely? I don't know. I'm at odds with myself, that's for sure.

There's a girl I've been friends with for several years that, because of a few dumb moves on my part, I no longer have in my life. It's kind of messing with my head. On the one hand part of me is eager to go out and win this girl over, sweep her off her feet and do the whole awesome boyfriend thing to her. On the other hand (the dominant hand) I'm kind of fine that we aren't talking. It's not that I don't miss her, I do, it's more of I'm just tired of having dramatic shit in my life. I am tired of having to be the one who's going to fight. So I figure I'll just say fuck it and let her do what she wants. In a way I have given her an easy out. I mean she doesn't have to deal with the temptation to ditch her boyfriend and date me, nor does she have to make any decision, which never seemed her strong point.

So it's a bitter good that it ended this way. Good for her, as she still has her boyfriend and doesn't have me to cause any strife in her life; good for me, as I don't have to lose my mind trying to win her over; it's also bad for the two of us as we were really close. It was a weird close too. Not the normal dating close, but not the pseudo-sibbling close either. It was nice. But all things end eventually, this one just prematurely.

In any case the combination of the situation and the Magnetic Fields' warped lyrics my mind drifts towards those little heart candies you get around valentines day, the ones with the little slogans of love on them. "Love Me" "Hugs" "Bea Arthur Was Here" all that sort of stuff. They taste like chalk, they are tacky and cheap, but there is something about them that warms the heart.

Don't worry though, this blog is not going the way of the love sick fool. I've just been thinking alot about past relationships and this current thing I was briefly in. In another time I would have been really broken up about this. Yeah I'm bummed out but I'm not desperately trying to fix the situation by crying and begging. I made a mix cd but that got lost in the mail thankfully. I feel like I'm at an impass in general. I'm blocked on all sides by negative crap. I just need to pull myself up and dust myself off. Which I will be doing soonish. Just need some time to be myself.