Aisle 8

Aisle 8: Candy Aisle

Nothing tastes as bitter as losing out on something potentially good and then forcing yourself to be ok about it. It's like reaching for an atomic fireball and grabbing a warhead and trying to readjust to the taste when what you should do is just spit the goddamn thing out of your mouth. I've reached that point in life I think.

I'm sitting here at my night library job wanting to go home. I want to go home and sleep. I know if I was home I wouldn't be able to sleep, I'd probably would put in my roommates copy of the new Tomb Raider and drown Laura Croft for a while (this is fully lifted from one of the best comedy shows that was on tv, Spaced, made by the crew that did Shawn of the Dead, Simon Peg I totally feel you right now mate). I'm at that black stage where you want to be over some one but at the same time you want things to go right back the way they were just a few weeks ago. It's rough. I'm not going to put down here every single detail of the whole evente as well you all really don't need and/or want to know. I did go over the whole thing last night though with some friends. Now when I told one friend (not out with us last night, but rather this was a few days earlier) she was more pissed than I was. She actually yelled at me when I mentioned that I might be able to salvage something. Last night though I wasn't yelled at... too much. Oh I was questioned why I was even upset, but it wasn't in a mean spirited way. Though I never really answered that question, it kind of got sucked up into something else.

Why am I upset? I mean was I in an actual relationship? Not really. It was all very loose and non-commital, but it was nice. It was nice to have some one I liked actually like me back on pretty much equal terms. It's been a long time since that's happened. So what went wrong? How did it all go to pot? I'm not sure really. Just bad luck. I normally would be blaming myself right now, only I know it wasn't me, or if it was than it's good it didn't work out. I decided, at the very start of the whole thing, that I was just going to be myself. I wasn't going to try to be cool or hip. I wasn't inventing any outlandish stories, or hiding any odd quirks that would normally scare people away, in fact I went so far as to TRY to scare the girl. I was currious as to how me I could be around her so I let her have the whole awkwardly weird me, that some of you rarely see from time to time. She didn't seem too put off. Now if she was and was just being polite then well it's obvious it would have never worked as what she was getting was me with the barest minimum of protective masks put on. I think the only thing I kept back was my romantic side, which normally you'd so toss in there, and I was going to eventually, but I didn't want to come off as just another smooth talker. Hence the awkwardness.

So yeah I guess I'm upset about the whole thing because it was the first time I tried being myself and failed. I lost out to another guy. I'm soon to be bumped permanently into the "friend" position that is basically hell for nice guys like me. Some see being a "friend" as pergatory, you might be able to drag yourself out of there and slip into the heaven that is friend with bennefits (like health care only more eyebrow raisingly better). However, if you are a nice guy, "friend" equals hell. Because you want to be nice, you think that by being nice you'll get the girl to change her mind, when in reality she starts to depend on your niceness to the point that she is too afraid to date you because what would happen if you broke up? Nice guy go bye-bye.

There are a plethora of monologues in theater that deal with this topic. There are songs that deal with this as well. Movies deal with this but in a different way. They have the nice guy win (most of the time). Why do they do that?!? I mean it gives us hope that one day the scrawny, intelligent, nice guy is actually going to win the girl from the big lout. I have yet to see this happen in real life. I've tried it many a time. I've butted heads on the romantic field many a time trying to win a girl over. I made mix tapes that would cause people to cream their pants, I set up romantic evenings, I went to great lengths to be there for them when their current or ex boy caused them grief. I made them laugh, I made them blush, I told them great stories and great poetic... thingies, hell I once called this girl up while she was working at a job she cried about and played Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" over the phone for her. She broke down crying, it was the sweetest thing any one's ever done for her, she thought the world of me, but she couldn't go out with me that night as she already had a date with this other guy, who consitantly chose video games over walking her home at midnight, through the dirty streets of Willimantic. Nothing works. I am cursed.

Am I giving up then? No. I know some where out there beneath the cold moon light, some one's thinking of me and missing me... sorry. Fival moment. But seriously some where out there, beneath the cold moon light, there has to be some one who would pick me as a boyfriend. Some one that I would pick as a girlfriend too. Like I would prefer that we both would pick each other, it would be nice. I'm tired of being the second fiddle all the time. I'm also tired of dating people who like to cheat on me. That's never fun. Gah I have horrible luck/choice in women! And for all that I complain about it I refuse to capitulate and act the way most people act in order to get a girl. Meaning I'm not about to act like some fake movie character played by John Cusack, from this point on I'm doing the whole dating thing on my terms. If the person doesn't want to date me it will be because she dosen't like who I am as a person. If this is the case than why would I want to date them? Exactly. Bitterness be gone! I'd do it with this current girl only, well I really dug her, which is the fucking worst part of all this.

I'm pretty sure if I broke out my Cure albums tonight I'd be in a horrid state. Gothieness woudl be right back upon me and with that would follow the bad poetry and with that... I shudder to think. So tonight I'll listen to the Streets, or I'll listen to some Primus, possibly some Gogol Bordello. Note I am also staying away from emo. Why? Because I'm not fucking emo!! I may complain and I may get the mean reds from time to time but I am not a tight shirt wearing, Buddy Holly glasses toting, whiny cry baby, who likes to pretend he's tough by singing about how violently his heart was ripped out of his chest by girl-x. I hate the emos. I tolerate the hipsters as they are really just grown up emos (it's true, look at yourself, you're in your late twenties and you try to pull off the post-teenage college guy look, get an interesting hair cut!).

So what, pray tell am I? Well, I am a bitter, sardonic bastard. Everyone get's depressed from time to time. Everyone has the right to complain about it, that is how you get things off your chest and you feel better. To bottle it all up means to surpress your emotions, and if you do that long enough you will explode on some helpless person behind a cashregister. So I complain. I also find humor in my problems. I mean if my life was a movie it would be hillarious, in a kind of dark sense. Our hero trudges along, finds some good things and then poof good things get taken away and he falls on a banana peal (not slips but falls). Do this to the guy enough and you have a comedy, do it too much (i.e. if this happens one more time) than you have a perfect example of the human condition told only the way the existentialists and absurdists would have it shown.

So what's my plan. What am I going to do next? I am... going to do fuck all actually. I'm not looking for another person, I'm not fighting for the girl, I'm just going to get my shite together move to New York and go to school. If something happens as I'm doing that then fan-fucking-tastic, if not then, well business as usual I guess.

I am pissed, not at the girl's choice (despite the fact that I think it's the wrong choice, then again I'm biased) but at the fact that I let this happen again. I'm so tired of this. I'm half expecting the next girl to follow suit actually (currently there is no next girl but I'm sure eventually one will pop up).

Yeah, like I've said this entire blog, uncensored (to a point, as there are things I really don't feel like telling you all). Sorry if I offended any of the readers. I seriously doubt anyone reading this would get offended, I mean if the girl reads this than I can understand that, if her boyfriend happens to read it over her shoulder than I understand him getting pissed and you know what fuck him, let him get pissed. But if the girl does read this and is upset by anything I've written, it was not my intent. I'll appologise but I will not recant. Note I did not give the girl's name out, though a couple of you know who I'm talkng about as her name must have flown out of my mouth more times than any of us would have liked over the past few months. If, and this is a big if as I know maybe two and a half people read this, you do feel like commenting, let's not invoke her name, she's a good person and I'd hate to tarnish her in the eyes of people who don't know that I'm talking about her. Make sense? No? Well tough titty. Also if you are single (and I stress single to the point of no return) and female (sorry no offence just it's what I dig) and you enjoy this blog and the persona that it paints in your mind (ha!) then hi there, my name is Carl. How you doin'? Want to go out for ice cream and mini-golf?

The End

dun-da-dun-dun.... DUUUUUNNNN!!!!