Aisle 8

Aisle 8: Candy Aisle

Ah yes candy aisle. What love lorn things does the fuzzball have to ejaculate tonight? Actually, none. I just enjoy candy. I did, some how make an ex-potential jealous though which makes no sense, as the way I did so was by talking about a totally different ex-potential. I find this a bit silly as neither of the X-Ps know each other nor is it likely that anything will progress any farther than a hand shake and a hug between myself and either of them. Not that I wouldn't mind something more to happen but that's the way the cards were delt so it seems I must move on.

Moving on. It's a hard thing to do. It took me, what, three years to move on from Jill? (yeah I'll name her name as well it's hard to cover up her influence on my life). At least three years. Actually lets count this from the official first break up, ok so it has been six years since our initial relationship died. Six years from the day when I planed out a marriage and a future with a girl I loved dearly. Six years. Of course through out half of those six years I was still occasionally seeing her and at one point we officially got back together twice. Nuts for this girl I was. So what happened? What was the breaking point? I actually don't think I really ever did her justice when explaining the situation between us. I use to just pass the whole affair off as a case of infidelity, which it really wasn't. Oh there was the constant fear that she'd go off with what ever shiny thing got dangled infront of her face but she was the typical theater girl who fell hopelessly inlove with any stage love interest she was placed with. Also most of the relationship was "long distance" (like an hour drive, which seems like nothing now), so temptation was ever present for taking the convinent relationships that popped up on her.

However that was not the main reason that the relationship was finally cut asunder, and caused me to refuse contact with her for several years. The actual reason was because she was taking me for granted. I'm no great catch, I'll admit that. I'm not the most handsome guy, I'm not the athletic Greecian god people seek out, I've also been in the position of poor starving artist/student for most of my life, so I'm not really all set on being successful any time soon. I am however one of the legitamately nice guys you will meet. Now those just stumbling upon this are possibly thinking, what a pretentious fuck! But look I spent the better part of my life playing myself down. I know I'm not the perfect guy, I know I'm not the guy people would leave their boyfriends for, hell it's been proven that multiple girls feel no remorse for cheating on me. I am however nice. I'm also fucking awesome and weird. I'm not your normal guy, I'm almost a flash back to when guys were coy and courtious.

In any case let me continue. While I know I'm not the best out there, I also know I'm far better than the best tends to be in the long run, and I realised that putting up with all the shit I initially put up with was not a good thing. I delt with a girl who would use me as a butt of jokes, would rather spend time with her friends than anytime with me alone, and had the audacity to call me a snob when I was going through a really bad time. I am no snob. I may think you are below me but that is because you problibly think you're supperior and are infact an idiot. Every problem in the relationship was mine and mine alone. Some how me being angry about her infidelities was turned around to make me the bad guy, how she did that I'll never know but I give her credit that was sneaky as all fuck.

Now this paints a bad picture of her. Keep in mind that she was going through a horrilbe experience at home and at school. Now she seems to have changed, possibly grew up some. Not saying I'd scoop her up in a second, oh no no scooping with this one. But she is actually turning into the woman I originally knew she'd turn out to be all those years ago. The odd thing is I find no attraction to that person. Yes she left a mark on me, it was an intense mark, I will always remember her good and bad. But I can now see her from a new angle. We are different people. I'm no longer a door mat to be used by what ever pretty face shows some interest in me (this is a fairly new development, some may not have seen this in action yet). I am actually for once in my life feeling good about myself enough to know I'm worth some thing to some one. I guess in a way I took for granted that at one point she did think the world of me, I'd love to have that again, just with some one new. In time this will happen I'm sure of it. I can't be single all my life can I?

Eh, I've gotten a bit apathetic though about fighting for the affections of people I find attractive. If it's going to happen then it will happen, why should I go and try to wedge myself in there? More so why should I try this when I get no real definate signs of any return feelings? This has been the case with several girls over the past four years. Only twice did I screw up and miss out on two potentially great relationships where both girls actually were interested in me. One I'm sort of glad it turned out the way it did as she and I are far better as friends, plus who would we complain to about the idiots who won't date us? The other one I kind of wish I lowered my moral code low enough to have taken a chance with her. But nope, she had a boyfriend and though she wanted to leave him for me I knew how that would have played out. She'd leave her boyfriend of four years date me and eventually the boyfriend would have won her back from me leaving me back into the single world. Eventually the couple would break up on their own and thus ends a possible good thing. But Carl couldn't you two have tried to get back together? Yeah I guess we cold have, but we grew apart, and the constant going back and forth on who she wanted to be with kind of made me question wheather she knew what she actually wanted.

All this talk and it goes no where. I really wanted to talk about candy though. Actually to end on a positive note, I think a change is in the air. Either a new girl is going to pop up or something interesting will unfold with a very old friend, that none of you reading this know (well maybe one... but I doubt it). Meh, we'll see what happens over the next few months. I may be lonely now but it can't last forever.